How To Continue Buying Your First House

It has been a couple of months since I declared that my dearly beloved and I had bought a house with enormous speed.

A house with enormous speed.

Step 11 didn't come true, thankfully, but two months on we've only just completed the purchase. To fill in the gaps then, here is part 2 of my infallible guide to buying your first home.

13. Make sure that your mortgage advisors appoint someone who is incapable of doing basic tasks such as making phone calls. This will ensure you are not hurried by the agreement coming through too quickly.

14. Make sure your bank has its debts downgraded to 'junk' status. This will allow you to get rid of all of your savings without fear.

15a. When trying to collate your funds for the deposit, solicitors' fees, surveys and the like, make sure that the car fails its MOT and needs new brakes.

15b. Make sure also that the taxman tells your better half he has miscalculated her return and demands her immediately pay back a grand. These will ensure you keep a proper eye on your finances.

16. When asked by insurers to assess the flood risk for your property, assume that the time frame they are interested in is the Holocene. Tell them the property is on the edge of a glacial lake and therefore a long-term flood risk - this shows that you have been thorough in your research.

17. When your parents come to visit on a sunny Sunday, go for a walk past the house you intend to buy, then up to the fabulous windmill nearby. This will not make you annoyed about point 13 at all.

18. Make sure you hide your heathen tendencies when told by your solicitors you have to pay £100 for chancel indemnity insurance. You may be an unbeliever, but it's probably best not to risk getting sued by a mediaeval church within whose parish boundaries the property lies.

Go on then, sue us! Actually, no, don't.

19. When you hear a rumour that your purchase will complete the following week, but aren't sure, phone up your letting agents anyway and tell them you're moving out. It makes for an edgier weekend.

20. When the purchase actually is completed the following week, immediately wind down by heading off for a holiday in a region of major civil unrest.

Congratulations! You're done!