|Not even red and white tape will be spared.|
British manufacturers of coloured adhesives have reacted with anger to the government's announcement that it will slash the amount of red tape in its departments.
"British red tape is widely recognized as the finest in the world," said spokesman Lentin Quetts. "Its manufacture provides employment opportunities for many thousands of people across the country. To undermine such an important enterprise in times of economic and employment uncertainty is yet another short-sighted move by this Tory-led coalition."
"To set up a red tape challenge, as Mr Macaroon has done," continued Quetts, "is just another response to the desperate attempts of his PR men to come up with a good idea. Unfortunately, they can't, because every single one of them is a deluded numpty."
The production of red tape began in the UK in the reign of Henry VIII. Cardinal Wolsey tried to get the king's marriage to Catherine of Aragon annulled by filling out vast numbers of divorce forms on a daily basis, tying the bundles up in rose-coloured ribbons, and posting them to the pope. When Rome was knee-deep in paperwork, Pope Inclement the Ninth ordered that the English court 'desist in inundating the Papacy with this infernal red tape,' and the phrase was born.
Over the subsequent centuries, Britain has prided itself in its ability to keep its red tape manufacturing sector busy, even during times of financial crisis. The current administration, however, has declared that it will no longer be supporting the industry, as it has found a cheaper supplier overseas.
"Using corks and bungs, and by removing staff canteens, we have already cut back on waste production in our departments," announced Chief Government Twerp, Thargaret Matcher, "but too much money was still being spent on red tape. We are pleased to announce, therefore, that we have now found a means of solving this issue, by giving British manufacturing jobs to cheaper suppliers in countries with dubious human rights records, and farming our democratic responsibilities out to the private sector."
"As we have seen so recently," Matcher rambled on, "what big business needs to succeed is to be freed from government regulation and be allowed to do what the heck it likes. Only then can Gideon, Dave and I finish our dream of completely shafting the country, and retiring to the Turks & Caicos on our family wealth."