Don't be an Avatar, be an Emoticon

Went to see Avatar in 'Real 3D' last night. It was spectacular. Spectacularly long and spectacularly trite. Yes it looked impressive, but it had as much depth as a saucer of milk. I wasn't expecting great profundity, but neither did I anticipate such wooden characters, clunky dialogue and predictable storyline.

"I haven't really put any serious work into writing a script," says writer-director James Cameron. He was referring to two putative sequels, but might as well have been talking about Avatar. The bad guys were BAD, the good guys were GOOD, the simple, forest-dwelling creatures LIVED IN PERFECT HARMONY WITH NATURE, the scientists were all BOFFINS, the soldiers were all GUN-TOTING MORONS. Avatar was so tired that no amount of glorious CGI wizardry could wake things up; even the presence of Sigourney Weaver couldn't save it.

So, to try and block Avatar from my mind, I have come up with an alternative version. It is called Emoticon. In it, the Smileys, led by the lovable Lol, battle the Frownies, under the terrifying command of EvilFace. The Frownies are trying to make everyone in the world speak in brutalist text abbreviations, such as '2moz', '4eva' and 'masturb8' whilst the Smileys fight for the preservation of proper English, as recorded in the OED. The film is made in revolutionary 36-D, so that the character ( o Y o ) can be appreciated fully by hormonal teenage males.

It seems that Andy Borowitz has had a similar idea, although he hasn't characterized it or developed the plot as fully as I have. Rather like James Cameron, then.