More training for litter collectors

Whilst watching ATSSC chase down Ellon's score of 104 in last night's evening league match at windy Sheddocksley, Andy Win dived forwards to stop a plastic bag that was being blown onto the pitch. Trapping it deftly, he said, "I am a council employee after all!" but this led me to wonder whether councils really work hard enough in training their staff to grab rubbish.

We pay high council taxes, so we should get the very best service the council should offer. We need an elite group of highly trained litter collectors, who can dazzle the public with their abilities. The only way to ensure this is to put all council employees in a wind tunnel and fire crisp packets, plastic bottles and burger cartons at them. The top 1% who catch or trap the most items will win a silver medal, a special hat, and be awarded membership of Britain's Elite Rubbish Collection Squad (BERCS). They could then venture out onto our cities' streets and clean 'em up. People would swoon at their skills, and children would dream of one day becoming a BERC. And our alleys, lanes and shopping centres would glimmer like never before.

The plastic bag was the only thing Andy caught all evening, by the way.