MadLiam's Guide to Wine

Having attended a wine tasting at Aberdeenshire Cricket Club last night, I am now a world expert on plonk of all varieties. Here are the nine types of tipple I toppled:

1. Jibe Sauvignon Blanc New Zealand 2006 [WHITE]
An acidic wine, smells a bit tropical fruity, also acidic. Rather dry, no oak flavour, did I mention it was acidic? £13-£14 a bottle.

2. Ravenswood Lane Viognier Adelaide Hills 2005 [WHITE]
Smells rather pissy, possibly urine of feline origin, with an alcoholic tang that smacks you round the chops like an Aussie miner. Tastes mineralic, could be amphibole or pyroxene. ~£10 a bottle.

3. Erdener Trepchen Riesling Kabinett Mosel-Saar-Ruhr 2002 [WHITE]
A very perfumey smell, maybe with vanilla, less offensive than 1 or 2. Tastes appley, raisiny, sweet, perhaps too sweet but might be good with panda steak at lunchtime. Only 8% alcohol though, so might need to move onto the stronger stuff.

4. Rosemount Show Reserve Chardonnay 2001 [WHITE]
Clings to the glass like a gecko, with a powerful smell of pear drops. Grapes grown on the Kimmeridge Clay, so probably tastes good with Jurassic oysters. Quite dark golden colour, tastes a bit tart. A big-faced child to be drunk with mature cheddar or roast chicken.

5. Chateau de Fesles Anjou 2004 [RED]
Cabernet Sauvignon's weedy kid brother. Flavour quite weak and watery in terms of fruit, but with plenty of tannin - clings to your teeth and tongue like barnacles.

6. Gau-Kongernheimer Vogelsang Dornfelder QBA 2006 [RED]
Quite translucent for a red wine, smells pleasant, tastes very sweet. Soft and sweet, strawberry and raspberry: fruity, fruity, fruity, fruity! (possibly a bit too fruity). Allegedly good with tomato-based curry dishes.

7. Chateau Soudars Cru-Bourgeois Superieur Haut-Medoc 2003 [RED]
Colour of Mg-rich garnet, possibly with organic carbon in there too. 2003 was a very hot year for wine, this one coming from the Bored Eau region of Frenchland. Smells of woody cheesy raisins, with plenty of tannins. 13.5% alcohol pretty blatant - a food wine the French would drink with steak or duck.

8. Rocca Italy 1997 [RED]
Very heavy bottle, very heavy smell - rich, dense, curranty, slightly petroly, tastes almost like port or sherry. Smell and taste appeals to Angolan PhD students in the throes of writing up. Like Italian footballers, Italian winemakers ignore the rules. A big-faced, spoilt, obese child in heavy clothes dancing the haka before an Italian rugby match. 14.5+% alcohol, ~£20 a bottle.

9. Evans & Tate Cane Cut Riesling Western Australia 1997 [DESSERT]
Smells of turps, glue, Airfix model kits (Gerome says "Mon Dieu!") but tastes better than it smells. Tastes quite acidic, honey, sultanas, slightly sickly. Fairly viscous, probably good with North African or Mediterranean desserts, such as baklava. £10 a pop.

In conclusion, I didn't like any of them very much, but at least I had fun describing them.